IFS Couples Therapy: Codependency
Codependency often stems from early life experiences where individuals learn to prioritize others’ needs over their own.
Codependents learn at an early age their emotions don’t matter. They attract relationships where they feel trapped. They try to fix, change, and manage other’s behaviors. They have a hard time knowing what they want. They don’t communicate their feelings honestly or honor their own boundaries. They often tolerate abuse and unmet desires. They are often resentful and angry when they abandon their needs to support others. They feel guilty when they choose to take care of themselves. They have trouble tolerating disappointing others. They believe others cannot survive without them. Here are some more core beliefs of the codependent:
“My parent is depressed because I am too needy and annoying. I can help by being quiet and easy-going.”
“The world is chaotic and the only way I can be okay is to control my environment and other people.”
“I am valued and loved because I don’t have needs and help others.”
With IFS we will start to understand the role of the codependent dynamic through Karpman’s Drama Triangle. One person takes on the role of the Rescuer—controlling the behavior of another as a way to manage their own pain, anxiety, and worries. The other partner plays the role of the Victim, who refuses to get help with their childhood wounding or trauma. Here are common codependent situations I see with clients:
On Friday night, Ben is hijacked by his self-loathing part. He gets home from the job he hates, binge-scrolls on Instagram, belittles himself by comparing himself to his friends he thinks are more successful, and then refuses to go out and socialize with his partner. The manager part of his girlfriend, Rachel the Rescuer, rushes in to try to pull her partner out of his spiral of self-deprecation. When the rescuing inevitably doesn’t work, the Rescuer now becomes the Persecutor. Rachels feels resentment that she “has to” stay in all weekend, blames her partner for his victimhood, and suppresses her true feelings towards her partner. She ends up feeling out of control and helpless, which is how she felt her entire childhood with a depressed mother and alcoholic father.
Another dynamic: one partner, Tom, is experiencing lots of envy and jealousy, constantly pointing out when his partner, Mark is being too “flirty,” and prioritizing everyone else but him. Deep down he is afraid of abandonment because of past trauma, but it comes out in a criticizing, and controlling way. “I see the way you look at him; this is the second time you’ve gotten coffee with him, is there something you see in her that you don’t in me?” Mark responds with defensiveness because he feels he is not being seen for all the caring things he does to make Tom feel special. Mark stops hanging with his new friend to appease Tom’s anxiety and jealousy. Mark grows resentful of Tom, and believes he has “no control” over his life.
The only way out of these codependent dynamics is for one partner to access Self energy—the calm, compassionate, and curious leader. This involves facilitating an inner dialogue between one’s own parts. Then you can meet yourself and the other with presence and openness.
(Self talking to Rescuer): “Hey I know it’s hard for us to see the person we love in their disease of self-loathing. However, they are on their own healing journey, and we are only responsible for taking care of ourself. If they don’t want to go out, they don’t have to, and we can still go have fun with our friends.”
(Self talking to exiled part of partner): “I hear that you are envious of the time I’m spending with my new friend, I’m wondering if there is something you need to feel more safe in our connection?”
As soon as the exile or manager is witnessed, the tension will subside and there will be room for connection and intimacy.
To break out of the Drama Triangle, we need to cultivate Self leadership. This involves, nurturing our own exiled parts on the regular, which may look like self-care, exercise, eating well, dancing, self-love rituals, etc.
Rescuers and self-loathing parts will not transform by trying to be changed, but only through being witnessed, held, and accepted, which takes years and years of deep inner work.
IFS couples therapy for codependency is a profound approach that honors the complexity of human relationships. By integrating the principles of Internal Family Systems into their therapeutic work, couples can embark on a journey of healing, rediscovery, and mutual empowerment. It’s a journey that not only transforms the relationship but also enriches each partner’s inner world, fostering resilience, authenticity, and deep emotional connection.
If you’re navigating codependency in your relationship, consider exploring IFS couples therapy as a path towards healing and greater relational harmony. Embrace the journey of uncovering your true selves together, one compassionate step at a time.
Remember, healing is possible, and you don’t have to navigate this path alone.