IFS Couples Therapy: ADHD

Folks with ADHD have difficult times managing their life. ADHD is like flipping through a thousand tabs in your head while you’re trying to stay focused on a menial task like laundry. Prioritizing is very difficult; routines are torture. People with ADHD constantly need novelty and enjoy completing tasks, but often lose the thread. In intimate relationships it’s important to plan ahead—dates, vacations, adventures, time to visit friends—however, in a relationship where one partner has ADHD, that person is often viewed as uncaring because they don’t prioritize scheduling dates and planning ahead.

Having ADHD is like constantly trying to keep 5 things in the air while balancing a spinning plate on your foot. Future-oriented and multi-step menial tasks like planning and organizing a backpacking trip, is a ball that is going to be dropped. The other partner feels rejected and not prioritized, blames the neurodivergent one for not being organized, a fight follows, and the inevitable collapse in hope.

With trauma-informed IFS treatment we will start to break down this pattern into an overwhelmed manager and a rejected inner child. Once both parts are heard, witnessed, and resourced, there will be more space for the wise adults of both partners to creatively problem solve.

“It sounds like your overwhelmed manager part needs some extra resourcing, how about I sit with you and act as a body double as you plan our trip. I know that can help you stay focused when someone else is in the room.”

When the triggered parts are witnessed they can step back and the creative, compassionate Self can steer the conversation in a more productive and optimistic way.

Living with ADHD means means your mind is constantly being enticed by shinier things. Mundane tasks and menial chores are difficult. Once you accept that, and begin to ask your partner for help with things like scheduling dates or vacations, intimacy and collaboration will replace bitterness and rejection.